Friday, 2 January 2015

Changing Person

Hi all,

    Alright, so the blog thing is part of my resolution. The fact that I have made it to post #2 is a slow accomplishment, but I'm not quite applauding myself yet. If you've joined my journey... welcome.
Heading into 2015, I have realized I have some major life cleaning to do. I've been trekking along in this little safe zone of life, not really taking too many risks, putting myself out there or really pushing myself to my full potential. I'm not the greatest at friend making, socializing or keeping strong and lasting relationships. I tend to start projects, and not finish them (i.e. my children's baby books that still have missing pages, photos between the pages and missing data). I struggled with anxiety with Blair after I stopped breastfeeding and realized that I'm the kind of person that requires a limited workload to be truly successful, and yet I bite off way more than I can chew all too often.
This year... I'm really honing in on the person I am. The person I want to be, but more importantly, the person I want to portray to my kids. B is a sponge for information right now, and even though will always probably say "I wanna be just like my mummy," I have to make sure that that mummy she follows is the best possible person for her to idolize. I have some tweaking to do.
Still following?... this blog post is shaping up to be a brutally honest hanging of my laundry.... but you've gotta put it out on the line, let the sun/wind hit it before it emerges fresh! (Side Note: all too often I leave a whole load of laundry out on the line, forget to bring it in, let the bugs and spiders climb all over it at night and have it be a soggy rewashable mess to tackle the next morning...)
I am hard on myself. A imperfect perfectionist. An introvert who loves to hunker down at home, sometimes the thought of leaving my house requires way more thought and preparation than I'd like it to. And yet... I take my kids everywhere :-) That I am proud of myself for! I have been blessed with a wonderful mummy group that has opened so many social avenues for me and my kids. Saturating their early learning lives with real life experiences and opportunities to be social, I wanted to make sure I was doing the best I could for them. Walks, park plays, music classes, playgroups, toydrive donations, zoo visits, craft days, icecream dates, public swims, swimming lessons, preschool... all top my list of enriching experiences I'm proud of myself for providing for them.
The biggest problem with being on Maternity Leave and/or working part-time is there are hours upon hours of time spent with yourself. While folding laundry you think of everything in your life... and others. While staring at your "not so eating her lunch" child, somehow floods of thoughts (often the same cycle of thoughts) run through your mind... you fester, exaggerate, snowball and make mountains out of mole hills... It's a bad thing... and awful thing... and something I need to improve on. Why do I care if that girl read my message and didnt' respond... why do I care if joe blow is working out 5 times a week and looks like a supermodel... good for her. Why do I care if that man just fed his kids cheetos for lunch. Part of my resolution is to start caring more about myself and my own world. To essentially block out all other negativity... and keep thinking to myself ... huh, well that sucks for them... guess she won't get to hang out with us... or, she's probably thirsty on that treadmill or hmmm, maybe there is nutritional value to cheetos?!
I really need to embrace a more positive approach. Giving people the benefit of the doubt may actually help my social ineptness (is that even a word?). And if after giving them a chance, they fumble, well... move along. Essentially, I need to be that 5 year old sitting on the counter with a bar of soap in my mouth... think before I speak...
I'm workin' on it.
Happy 2015 All! I promise a lighter, funnier blog once I find my stride. This whole organizing my thoughts thing is overwhelming.

No comments:

Post a Comment