Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Home is where all your heart should be

For years I have struggled to call this place home. Although I've lived here now since my 1st year University, it just never settled in that I was staying here forever. My plan was to get an education, and return to Ottawa to teach. Even after meeting my husband and getting hired on as a contract teacher in the local board, I would always visit Ottawa as if it was still home, and be really sad to have to leave. It's not like I made lasting connections with too many people from back home, (ha, let's be serious, I don't make lasting connections with many people), but for a long long time, I felt like a city girl trapped in the country. I knew nothing about the Peterborough lingo, highschool affiliation politics, or even what mechanic was trustworthy. I felt unsettled and out of my element so to speak. I made friends over the years, but they to moved on either back to their home towns, following their hearts in love or moving to BC (seemed like all the rage for a while). I had a lot of guy friends, or friends attached to previous boyfriends that I had to sort of distance myself from out of respect to my now, husband (although I have come to realize I really miss those friendships and was naive to think I had to let them fizzle).

This year is shaping up to be my biggest year of soul searching and learning about myself. I have had many moments of reflection while off on my second maternity leave. Lots of time to sit back and really let things soak in (between diaper changes, toddler tea parties and daytrips of course). I just got back from a 4 day trip to Ottawa to visit my parents (who still live there) and for the first time ever I didn't cry when I left. Don't get me wrong, I was sad to leave them, but for the first time ever it didn't seem sad to leave the idea of Ottawa. It's not my home anymore. I was excited to get home, here in Ennismore, to walk in the door and smell the smell of us (that I'm still tweaking... trying to find the right Bath and Body Works scent... opinions welcome). To pull in the driveway and see our house, and most of all, to jump into our own beds! There's nothing better than your own bed!!!! That first shower of stinky sulfury well water, was a little sad, but it reminded me that I'm a country girl now. I hang my laundry on the line, the dust in my house is from burning wood, I can't water my lawn with a sprinkler because I'm on a well, and it takes 15 minutes to get anywhere that sells things like construction paper, or printer ink! LOL #firstworldproblems This is where I wanna be. It's strange that it's taken this long, but now raising our children here, I feel settled. Blair is attending preschool 15 minutes up the road, and my girls already have more friends here than I do.

The only thing that could complete this picture is having my family closer. I know i'm lucky that 3 hours is the furthest I have to travel, however having been brought up in a very close knit family way... I struggle having them that far. It was all fine and dandy, fixed with road trips and cottage visits until I had children. I want to share them. Plastering them all over Facebook has become something I'm branching away from (slowly hahaha). I would love to be able to call my mom and meet for lunch. Or call my dad to come help me fix something and in turn get to visit with the girls. In my mummy group there are two sisters who have had children together. Although that's not a possible reality, to be able to have coffee with my sister or meet for lunch would be a total luxury. I shake my head at people who live close to their families and don't take advantage of such potential moments.  Sporadic Sunday dinners together would be nice too... Life doesn't leave a lot of free time, so planning and executing roadtrips can't happen at the drop of a pin like quick visits could. My husband has no clue just how lucky he is. We are able to drive to all his family members houses (even some extending family) in no more than 15 minutes (his immediate family are within' 5 min/walking distance). He has no concept of having to travel to see the people you love and the feeling of having to leave. I made the choice to stay, I just wish he understood at what cost and it's effects.

This is my home... I just wish the other bits of my heart lived a little closer.

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