Sunday, 13 December 2015

"Where ya been," you ask?

Well, being back in the blog saddle has been something I feel like I've only dreamt of. The thoughts rattle around my head and from time to time I think "Hey, that'd make a good blog!" but before I know it, like the rest of my thoughts, the idea is gone.

It's been since July that I've posted and I can run down exactly why I went MIA and why I probably will continue to seem as though I am living under a rock, only to peak out once in a while. In the summer I battled with the guilt of the decision to go back to work part time or full time. It was a decision that came with many pros and cons, but a lot of false expectations and lack of a realistic assessment of what it would all look like both ways. I took the job. A full time, Grade 2 position not 20 minutes from my door. I took it for my own independent well being, to help support my family and to regain some social/public sanity. But very quickly I got swallowed up in the fast paced, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants whirlwind of FULL TIME WORKING MOM status.

Holy man, I would just like to take the time to give props to those who do it alone. You single moms are a force to be reckoned with. A huge props (although I secretly wish to pretend you don't exist) to moms, furthermore "mom-teachers" with those big beautiful blogs that keep me going. Holy Hannah, how in the world do you have time to do what you do? This blog post you're reading is a rarity; simply a brief moment in time that I have decided to stop procrastinating on Facebook and do something somewhat cathartic and good for myself. I need words. I miss words. I miss my own time.

Last night my husband had a hockey game. It was right around bedtime, but he was going out for a social or two (or 10) afterwards, leaving me with a night to myself! Woooooot! What do to what to do?!!? The sad part is, just crawling into bed will never be something that is an option as any mom know's there's no such thing as early to bed. Too many things to get done first. I had it all planned in my head (which may have been my #1 mistake). It's like the little villians sniffed out my thoughts and plotted to railroad the hot bath I ran for myself. Child #1 wanted to watch another show, have a snack and play with playdoh (I say "play with" but I really mean "crumple it up and let it crumble and fall all over the floor, chair, table etc then refusing to clean it up because it will ruin all her beautiful creations.). Child #2 seemed as though she was ready for bed.... well, things aren't always what they freakin' seem!!!!!!!!! From my early 7pm attempt right through to 9:45pm she bucked the concept of going to bed at all, playing peekaboo in the dark and insisting on reading 5 books, and naming all my facial parts (eyes, ears, nose, mouth) about 20 times all with a big cheesy grin on her face.Yes, such a touching moment and very educational to her development BUT not on the night mummy has a bath in sight. UGHHHHHHH The evening ended in letting a bath full of cold water and Epsom salts out while folding laundry and realizing at that point of the night, it didn't even make sense to pour a glass of wine anymore.

I miss "Me" time. I truly do. Call me selfish, call me ungrateful but gosh darn it I think the last time I picked up a magazine was to fish it out of a toilet put there by mischievous toddler #2 whose fascination for the toilet gives me anxiety. I miss crafting, drawing, playing video games and just plain going to bed early. *Sigh*

From the time I wake to the time I fall asleep my mind is running in a million different directions. I am shocked that most days I look decent at work, got there in a timely fashion and didn't forget to drop both kids off at daycare/school. It amazes me how moms "do," how on the surface most appear to really have their shit together. Some may look at me and think, "wow, she's really doin' it," when the reality of it all is; on a daily basis, I'm frazzled in my mind. I need lists to remind me to do such simple things are "Stop at the mailbox to mail Christmas Cards" (which, by the way, I can only thank the devine miracle of magic to have addressed and sent 78 cards this year). I drop the girls off and my clock starts ticking... I have exactly 9 hours from the time I drop them off to the time I have to pick them up again, before I'm charged more $/girl. This usually leaves me about 20 minutes after the school bell to tidy up my class, wash some grimey germ plastered desks and pack multiple bags with homework to take home with me to get ready for the next day (I seriously look like a bag lady carting obscene amounts of homework home each night). Usually once in the car, this leaves me with 1 x 10 minute stop on my way home. Sometimes this takes careful consideration as although Walmart is a "One-stop-Shop".... it does not fall under the allotted 10 minute allowance bracket. Usually it's either a Mac's Milk where I can double and get milk, cheese AND lunch meat! OR it's shoppers drug mart where I can usually get hairspray and chicken fingers doubling for dinner and a near miss of a morning hair disaster. BOOM!

What I have learned through it all,
I am a force to be reckoned with. I may not be a perfect housewife, I may not always have "Fresh" cooked dinner on the table... but my kids are clean, their library books are returned on time, I get them to and from their required destinations and for the most part I do it with a smile on my face. Above all else, I love them, DEARLY and am trying to set an example for work ethic and sheer independence. Being a full time working mom is the hardest thing I think I will ever do. I'm not asking for praise, nor recognition.... just a good recommendation to a good cleaning lady!

Friday, 10 July 2015

Dear husband.... I kinda hate you sometimes.

Don't get too twisted up about the title folks... I still love my husband, but from time to time, there are moments where I almost loathe him. Times when I actually need to remove myself from seeing his face or get away for a moment.

M and I have a pretty good thing going. We rarely fight and if we do it's usually with a comical/laughing attitude. We rarely hold grudges for longer than a few minutes and never ever threaten to leave or bash talk our marriage. We have a strong one, full of unconditional love, understanding and easy going open minds. BUT... there are many moments I hate him at the same time as loving him;

1. I hate that while I type this blog post you are out galavanting visiting multiple friends without a worry in the world as to what time you should return home or how much your night is going to cost. You left without having to lay out pyjamas, bottles and routine things for the girls. You left without having to pack things for the morning as you will just wake up, hungover and carry on the day that is ready for you (prepared by me). I hate that when you go out, it requires no thinking, like the good old university days and that when I go out I run through a checklist a mile long in my head and even still run through that list periodically through the night while trying to have a "good ole" university "time!".

2. I hate you because you are the breadwinner of the household (for now), and you never get to feel the burn of having to ask me for money. That you get to use that as ammo whenever it comes to budgeting anything in life... "Well, I pay the bills around here..." Ughhh Parrallel to this very blog post topic... I hate money, but love it SO very much, AT THE SAME TIME!

3. I hate that you are so gosh darn calm. The rainbow that streams from your butt seems to keep you grounded to that gleaming pot of gold that makes you so optimistic and collected. It's bull crap if you ask me, and I hate that you are so calm.

4. I hate that you helped produce our children but you didn't help to grow them. Your body harvested nothing but the icecream and pickles I craved. You may have gained a few "sympathy pounds," but your hips didn't open like the freakin' hoover damn, and your man parts remain unscathed. You are also a man, and when men try the tend to drop weight like its hot... I on the other hand feel guilty about going to the gym two nights a week, trying to find my waist.

5. I hate that you say yes all the time after I say no. You get to be the freakin' super hero with an invisible cape on, while I seem to be the witch holding the poison apple. There is a good chance that if the girls are asking you for something that is a treat, its because I already said "no!" And when you cave and say yes RIGHT INFRONT OF ME, I instantly turn into the wicked witch of the west. I love it when they look back at me with that "nah nah nah nah noo noo, daddy said yes," look.

6. I hate that you get to go to work everyday and come home to dinner, clean laundry and clean sheets. I'm not a 100% career woman enough to say that I don't love being a mom... but there are days I wish I could trade places with you, go to work, come home, drop my pants at the door and eat dinner after having a fresh shower after work, like you do. I get that it's also hard work, but on somedays... I yearn for someone to make dinner for me after my day of "work" too.

7. Lucky 7... I hate that you are such a good dad. I really have nothing to complain about because all of the above things that I hate about you are just things I wish I could share with you really. In a sense, I'm jealous of the "freedoms" you have, and yet at the same time, I'm happy you have them.
I LOVE that you say yes to the girls a lot, as their love for you is something I would never trade in for the world. I LOVE that you go to work everyday and work hard to provide for us, I really do appreciate you and if all I can do is clean you laundry, make dinner and let you shower to thank you, then I will. I LOVE that you are so gosh darn optimistic and positive. Without you, I'd be a mess of a dark cloud going slightly senile with the craziness of life or at least the first world problems that I seem to get so wrapped up in.

The bottom line here is that I think its' healthy to hate you and love you at the same time. When we married each other, we did it with the understanding that things wouldn't change. Our lives would totally mesh together but that there would still be little gaps where we each kept our individuality and space. The thing I need to work on is the fact that all to often I "love to hate" you. I am hard on you, and take things out on you and resist your attempt to talk me down from the ledge (theoretically speaking).

In finding myself, I need to find that person that Loved to love you, before life got so ... complicated and thought provoking. She's in here, I promise.... she's just learning to balance it all and be a little nicer in the process.