Don't get too twisted up about the title folks... I still love my husband, but from time to time, there are moments where I almost loathe him. Times when I actually need to remove myself from seeing his face or get away for a moment.
M and I have a pretty good thing going. We rarely fight and if we do it's usually with a comical/laughing attitude. We rarely hold grudges for longer than a few minutes and never ever threaten to leave or bash talk our marriage. We have a strong one, full of unconditional love, understanding and easy going open minds. BUT... there are many moments I hate him at the same time as loving him;
1. I hate that while I type this blog post you are out galavanting visiting multiple friends without a worry in the world as to what time you should return home or how much your night is going to cost. You left without having to lay out pyjamas, bottles and routine things for the girls. You left without having to pack things for the morning as you will just wake up, hungover and carry on the day that is ready for you (prepared by me). I hate that when you go out, it requires no thinking, like the good old university days and that when I go out I run through a checklist a mile long in my head and even still run through that list periodically through the night while trying to have a "good ole" university "time!".
2. I hate you because you are the breadwinner of the household (for now), and you never get to feel the burn of having to ask me for money. That you get to use that as ammo whenever it comes to budgeting anything in life... "Well, I pay the bills around here..." Ughhh Parrallel to this very blog post topic... I hate money, but love it SO very much, AT THE SAME TIME!
3. I hate that you are so gosh darn calm. The rainbow that streams from your butt seems to keep you grounded to that gleaming pot of gold that makes you so optimistic and collected. It's bull crap if you ask me, and I hate that you are so calm.
4. I hate that you helped produce our children but you didn't help to grow them. Your body harvested nothing but the icecream and pickles I craved. You may have gained a few "sympathy pounds," but your hips didn't open like the freakin' hoover damn, and your man parts remain unscathed. You are also a man, and when men try the tend to drop weight like its hot... I on the other hand feel guilty about going to the gym two nights a week, trying to find my waist.
5. I hate that you say yes all the time after I say no. You get to be the freakin' super hero with an invisible cape on, while I seem to be the witch holding the poison apple. There is a good chance that if the girls are asking you for something that is a treat, its because I already said "no!" And when you cave and say yes RIGHT INFRONT OF ME, I instantly turn into the wicked witch of the west. I love it when they look back at me with that "nah nah nah nah noo noo, daddy said yes," look.
6. I hate that you get to go to work everyday and come home to dinner, clean laundry and clean sheets. I'm not a 100% career woman enough to say that I don't love being a mom... but there are days I wish I could trade places with you, go to work, come home, drop my pants at the door and eat dinner after having a fresh shower after work, like you do. I get that it's also hard work, but on somedays... I yearn for someone to make dinner for me after my day of "work" too.
7. Lucky 7... I hate that you are such a good dad. I really have nothing to complain about because all of the above things that I hate about you are just things I wish I could share with you really. In a sense, I'm jealous of the "freedoms" you have, and yet at the same time, I'm happy you have them.
I LOVE that you say yes to the girls a lot, as their love for you is something I would never trade in for the world. I LOVE that you go to work everyday and work hard to provide for us, I really do appreciate you and if all I can do is clean you laundry, make dinner and let you shower to thank you, then I will. I LOVE that you are so gosh darn optimistic and positive. Without you, I'd be a mess of a dark cloud going slightly senile with the craziness of life or at least the first world problems that I seem to get so wrapped up in.
The bottom line here is that I think its' healthy to hate you and love you at the same time. When we married each other, we did it with the understanding that things wouldn't change. Our lives would totally mesh together but that there would still be little gaps where we each kept our individuality and space. The thing I need to work on is the fact that all to often I "love to hate" you. I am hard on you, and take things out on you and resist your attempt to talk me down from the ledge (theoretically speaking).
In finding myself, I need to find that person that Loved to love you, before life got so ... complicated and thought provoking. She's in here, I promise.... she's just learning to balance it all and be a little nicer in the process.