As I sit and type beside an open deck door, birds chirping and the sun just going down at 8:00 I am reminded of just how lucky I am. The smell of spring, the lake and lingering barbeques from dinner hour puts a lot of things into perspective for me.
I've been reading (or just cracked) a book about using my words. It's a guideline for moms specifically, on how to get back into writing and helping your words to flow. (Use your words. Hopper, Kate; 2012). In it, are mini exercises to help practice getting back into the "flow of words," that touches on smell/scent and their effects on our emotions and memories. I read it while in the waiting room of our local hospital, waiting for what felt like the 50th test result of the weekend.
Saturday morning I woke up ready to take on the day... so I thought. I got out of bed as usual, got the girls up and fed as usual and then it happened. Hit me like a truck... it was like I had been drugged. I had intense pelvic pain/back pain, shortness of breath and my left arm felt like someone had hauled off and punched me square in the shoulder. I battled it all day. With a foggy, delirious head, I dangerously took both girls to swimming lessons (D just spectates her older sister). The power of mom responsibilities is unreal, because if it meant staying and hiding out at home, I would have. My husband was working OT all day, so my hands were tied in the way of going anywhere. And let's face it, it's Saturday, my only option was emerge and that seemed extreme. By 5pm when M got home, I was extreme. I had my coat and purse on and was 1/2 way out the door.
Immediate EKG, bloodwork, chest x-ray, CT scan, blood culture and then ultrasound (today) all led to doctors standing looking at me with confused looks (like a dog cranking it's head to the side when you say the work walk). I had an elevated heart rate, very high white blood cell count (not good... don't google it or you'll think you may have to prepare for my funeral like I did), and a fever (I haven't had a fever since I was little). Weird!? They literally said I needed to be on close watch and am now in the hands of my Dr. to continue testing with extensive bloodwork.
TMI? Well... that's also part of another 'blogger' book I'm reading from a 'blogger friend'. In it it states that people don't care what you have for breakfast every morning, but speaking honestly about life can sometimes catch a few followers who may find comfort or relation in what you are saying. This blog isn't for the masses... if you've read this far.... then, welcome!
Up to this point I had been having this "foggy head" for a while. Like I was dragging my wings behind me while everyone else was flying. I was frustrated and had chalked it up to being female, being a mom and being an over-reactor. I thought it could be PPAD creeping back up on me and put it to the back burner. After all, moms don't really have time to hone in on what's wrong with them. As long as I could still make it to swimming lessons and back home again, I was ahead... right!? Lacking energy I just haven't been myself though and something has to give.
Approaching 30... again, for the first time (hahha), being 30 hasn't really treated me too well. In fact it seems to have chewed me up, spit me out and fed me to the birds. After having D I felt amazing... I had lost all my baby weight within 3 weeks and was feeling like a million bucks dragging out my "pre baby" bin of jeans. In July, just 4 months after having D, my world crashed. Into emerge with severe pelvic pain, they came to realize I had a large dermoid cyst (also don't google, or you may never look at me the same). It needed to be removed as soon as possible. I battled the pain with a new baby and waited for my operation date in September. While on the table to have the cyst removed they also discovered that my IUD had perforated and ripped through my uterus. The recovery was terrible (if it weren't for my mom I would have been lost). I have a low pain tolerance as it is... and it was almost worse than my recovery after giving birth to my 8lb 13oz, B! (that's an entirely other blog hahaha).
Now 5 months with a new IUD I have gained 20lbs in what felt like 20 days and have started to buy big baggy clothing in shame. I am hiding from summer and am petrified to step foot ANYWHERE public unless dress code allows............ a poncho and sweatpants (there's an image for ya!) Where did this come from? .... I know I eat like crap SOMETIMES, and I know that there is an explainable 10lbs of extra flab kicking around my gut and thighs... but this other 10lbs is a mystery. A foreign, self esteem crushing mystery. 20LBS.... HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!?
Headed into more testing, I've done my own research (and for those of you who know me... it's a heck of a lot of extensive and obsessive research) and I have come to the conclusion suspecting a few things. I'm no longer going to sit back and accept "oh it's just stress," or "you need to eat healthier and exercise more." or "Oh, you need to slow down and bite off only what you can chew," I'm a 30 (for 18 more days) year old HEALTHY woman with two beautiful children. I don't have time for this, so they better make time to figure it out. They literally were confused as all my tests came back "pristine" and "admirable"...
Maybe I'm "Just not right in the head" and really am "batshit crazy". hahahhahaha!
Until next blog.... I promise there will be a next blog... I'm not dying (I don't think). I'm living... and that's something to be thankful for :-)