Thursday, 26 February 2015

Not throwing in the dish towel and vacuum quite yet...

Sorry all, been busy being cooped up inside during these frigid -30 days. Have I mentioned cabin fever? HOLY HANNAH... it's a good thing I didn't blog, or I might have one of many authorities knocking at my door for being crazy! I had so many blog ideas drawn up in my head... eeeesh they weren't very friendly....

This winter BLOWS! I'm using that term in caps because, well... it literally BLOWS! The windchills are deadly, and with an almost one year old (I keep saying "almost" for fear I'll break into tears if I actually call her a one year old... she turns 1 in 4 days), it's impossible to go out in this. I would have to tether her to my body in fear of her blowing away! A few weeks back we attempted to get the mail. Now, getting the mail means walking up a hill and down 2 blocks... not far... very manageable. After one embarrassing fail of an attempt that resulted in my 2 year old crying because she couldn't fit in the sled and couldn't see past her sister jammed on her lap, I switched gears, came home and strapped them into the jogging stroller. And then it happened.... totally manageable distance... 2nd embarrassing FAIL. It turned into the baby (ahhh she's not really a baby) crying because ... oh just because, turning her body into the straightest stiffest board possible and turning blue with anger. And then the toddler crying because Oooohhhh the world is ending... "we didn't make it to the mail box... I wanted to get the mail... WANNNHHHHH" ... Ughhhh. Home again home again jiggity jig. I unbundled the little Michelin marshmallows, made luke warm toddler safe hot chocolate and pretended the whole thing never happened. When my husband got home he asked "did you go out today?" ... my reply... "Nope."

Anyways... the blog may get more interesting as this momma has returned to work! Or at least that is what I'm calling it even though my return is a slow crawling integration to .... wait for it .... 3 DAYS A WEEK! So awesome, right? So why do I feel so guilty? Often times I think to myself I could NEVER be a housewife. I admire those that are confident in being and doing such, but I have SUCH a hard time asking for money. *****GASP***** Did she say "asking for money"... yes, a married woman such as myself still feels like it's asking for a handout. I like my independence. Not having to explain why I bought 4 different colours of a high end sippy cups because they actually don't leak, are easy to clean and cool looking! So, I probably only needed 2 (one for each kid)... but who doesn't like variety?! I spend my money stupidly... but I like that it's MY money to spend stupidly. Don't get me wrong, I take care of the responsibilities in life and contribute in the way that worked for us, but now that mat leave has ended and work has started S...L...O...W...L...Y.... the $ well is running dangerously dry! I've even stopped searching the local momswap page for used stuff, because I'm not sure I can even muster up enough cash in the couch for a coffee, let alone more doll house furniture (this dollhouse has become and addiction).

I'm teaching tomorrow at a fabulous school that I have taught long term at in the past. There's a position for 3 week LTO (long term occasional) job closing tomorrow at lunch for the very same school and I'm sitting here blogging whilst freshening up my resume. I have sat, torn on my decision for a week. Do I, or don't I apply? For the first time ever, my husband is supporting my decision and actually begging that I don't. We have settled with the fact that I was to do part time, keep the girls out of daycare full time until the fall.

Interruption: OMG my oldest goes to school in the fall.... WANNNHHH (that's a whole other blog... look out for that depressing one soon!)

 We had a plan in place. They were going to daycare two days a week (good for them and me), and are with their dad on Fridays. Yes, he lives in luxury getting fridays off and it pains me to get out of bed those days to go to work leaving him all cozy and warm. Let's just say I'm mean, and kinda make more noise than I have to, flick on the light more than I need to and ask questions to keep him from sleeping in too hard! hahahha So mean!
Anyways... My trigger finger just about clicked the apply button tonight as I dolled up the dusty ole cover letter, resume combo. But I'm stickin' with my husband on this one. I have full support to be a "stay at home, sometimes" mom. WHY am I feeling guilty about not applying? This way I can maintain normalcy in our lives, still put home cooked meals on the table (I've been rocking the homemaker status these days), be present with the kids after work not thinking about work, lesson planing or marking. The money... well.... I'll buy a lottery ticket for the next 3 weeks instead and pray SO HARD we win.

I'm still discovering who I really am, this blog is proving to be the start of that journey. I am stubborn, and take things to heart. I overthink where no thinking at all is required. When I should shut the book.... I read on.

I'm shutting the book. I'm going tomorrow and will be able to stand tall with my decision. It's for our family. It's what we want. I have my whole life to work (damn it)...

So here's to finding balance. A groove, and underlying happiness. As you will learn in another future projected post, my husband really is my rock. He keeps me straight, sane and just a little bit of the right crazy!

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