Diving deep tonight...
Lately I've been feeling like I'm on autopilot. It's the same feeling I got just before succumbing to realizing I had some sort of postpartum issues going on just before my first born turned 1. Whether it has to do with this dreadful weather, or it actually has some sort of chemical explanation something is just feeling sort of blah.
I watched a commercial today about the apple watch set to come out later this month. All the incredible things it did both excited me and terrified me at the same time. How cool is it that you can change the face of your watch daily with infinite options!... was my simplest thought. And then, WTH am I thinking... being able to read e-mails, answer phone calls, tell the time, track your calories, steps, children.... on a WATCH..... AHHHHHHHHHHH What is the world coming to? No freakin' wonder I have post partum anxiety. After this commercial I immediately daydreamed these things were non existant. And then, not really wishing on a star because the sky is disgustingly clouded over beneath the blackness of night, I pretended to wish I was back in the 80s. During this time there were a couple basic things coming on the market in the way of technology, but there was no dependency on constant contact with.... THE WORLD. No sort of fascination with people you didn't know... unless it was your neighbour across the road who had a fetish with dressing up in costumes year round or the lady down the street that was having an affair with the mailman (none of these things happened in real life... but they sure sound kinda cool if they were... haahhaha). It was still the time where rules were set by parents, guidelines at school were REQUIRED to be followed and being a kid was unbelievably fun and slightly innocent (I appreciate this more now).
Touching back on this blog thing being a way for me to learn about myself, to find happiness and clarity in life, I have realized one of my biggest insecurities stems from "what other people think."
I am a very confident person. I speak my mind (very often when I shouldn't), I debate topics that are important to me (very often with too much passion) and I have no trouble speaking in public (or some may say I love to hear myself talk). This trait I am happy to still have. Elementary and secondary years provided first real look at my biggest insecurity. Because of my apparent social awkwardness and my thirst to be heard/poke my nose where it shouldn't be... my school years were... well... let's say, something that I have locked away TIGHTLY in a vault never to be revisited. What people thought of me guided my every move. If it weren't for a brief break in the dark clouds of my adolescence where, I, the bottom of the totem pole highschool nerd dated the captain of the highschool football team, I may not even be a blogger... and may be living deep in the woods somewhere without wifi drowning in my weirdness.
My problem is, I haven't ever really grown out of it. Still kinda socially awkward, speak out of turn and off topic, say the most random things at the most inappropriate time kind of person... I struggle.
I'm an introvert whose worst enemy has started to become social media.
I love sharing pictures of my beautiful family. My 2 gorgeous girls and my fur baby Charles. I have a tremendous career that I worked very hard to obtain and a fabulous husband who I often think is crazy to be putting up with me. My thirst for affirmation though has become debilitating. Often times I wish I was a reality show just so I could hear what people thought. Am I crazy? Is my house really that messy? Am I borderline on the classification of a hoarder (I keep the most random collection of things). But most of all my insecurities have crept into my abilities as a mom.
I think to myself... am I a bad mom for not taking my children outside in the frigid windy cold? Do my kids watch too much tv? If I sit on the couch for 10 minutes to catch my breath and drink a coffee while my kids play, am I lazy?.... because I'm not making 2 dozen carrot/apple/quinoa/stevia/other random healthy shit muffins from scratch and taking a picture of them for insta followers.
Am I a bad mom for piling my kids in the car just to go to Tim Hortons 10 mins up the road and then drive around the country side so I can enjoy my steeped tea whilst my kids are confined to their carseats (mostly sleeping... never unhappy). Is it awful that I can help build a fort, but then draw the line at re-building it for the 17th time in one day? Should I be letting my child play with water in the house? Am I doing her a disservice by not letting her find out what orange juice that's sat in a hot car all day tastes like? Can I google any of the above questions... sadly.... probably... because this generation is so dependent on what someone else did in these situations... we can't just think for and trust ourselves.
Do I need to relax more.... do you see where this is going?
It's like we have so many opportunities now with social media, to judge other people....that actually we just wish to be "judged" ourselves. I wonder if our parents ever had these feelings of inadequacy? Whether they wished someone could come in and tell them they were doing a good job, or whether they just kept on truckin'. They were none the wiser to BettyLou and SuzyQ harvesting their own spices or making wheatfreeglutenfreecaloriefreesuperboring varieties of regular food and were still just as excited to see hotdogs and refried beans come on sale. When it all comes down to it... is "forgetting what other people think" even achievable anymore in the way of the world? Is me being a social media whore my problem, and if so... where do I sign up for social media rehab.
Ughh.... apologies for the "all over the place" blog. My thoughts seem a bit scattered surrounding this topic.
Wednesday, 8 April 2015
Monday, 30 March 2015
Being a mom is Expensive on all fronts! :-)
Ok, so this blog thing is off to a slow and triple weekly start... I swear I write blogs in my head as I'm showering in the morning and those thoughts literally wash down the drain. Note: Our water has returned!!! (*Cue MAJOR fresh smelling happy dance)
I receive the odd private message from people in response to facebook, instagram or blog posts that praise me for my positivity. Today, I am coming clean. Turning myself in so to speak.
If there's one thing I do well, it's present myself as an optimist on the outside. What you (most) don't know is I am the definition of pessimist on the inside. In fact "poopy pants" and "Debbie downer" are nicknames my husband whips out once in a while. My coping mechanism is to make it seem alright, and to mask that with humour. It is something I am totally aware of and struggle with daily. Why can't I live my own mantra?
I struggle with daily frustrations and road blocks just like the rest of us, but choose to attempt to be the positive for someone (just not myself) with my uplifting and positive posts. If I lift a few people up... I'm doing what I intended. Lately I've been reading too many articles and news stories about mental illness and/or suicide. I truly believe if you surround yourself with people who post and preach those positive encouraging words, it will help at least bring a little light to a dark day. I have my entourage of people, I myself follow, for those uplifting messages.. and have done my best to remove anyone who poops on that parade of people. I also live with the very most positive person I have ever met, my husband. He keeps me grounded (I don't know how) and reminds me not to sweat the small stuff ... or big stuff on a daily basis. Without him.... well... I'd bemore crazy!
I'm a mom of 2 beautiful girls coming off maternity leave pennies. Yes I am grateful for the goverments grace of 1 whole year of "paid" maternity leave and the ability to raise my babies myself for that long... however... when all is said and done I COMMEND those who are able to do it without a significant and supportive other. People preach that money doesn't equal happiness.... but in my world, it equals emotional stability! The shift between the end of mat leave and the beginning of working life is like missing a bus on a deserted route. You've gotta sit at a standstill and wait forever for the next bus... or in this case the paycheque. In the meantime, you're left to call on that supportive significant other to help fill in the gap. This has proven to be "delightful" (see the attempt at optimism there!). Having to explain why I need name brand peanut butter, another sippy cup (I have a slight obsession) or why I paid an outrageous $1.79 PER avocado is exhausting! (in my defense it was because I needed them right away and the organic $$$ ones were ripe!... I got bonus PC points at least, but explaining that concept is not even worth it) I have had to space out the "diaper/wipe run" with the "grocery run" and then the "what I forgot run" to alleviate the total bill (avoid that "WHAT? You spent how much? ON WHAT? Where IS IT ALL?")... and yet having to go all those times and still even spend money is foreign and debate provoking enough that we have started to secretely survive on "the cupboard."
* "The Cupboard" - you know that pantry that is full of "on sale" soup, crackers, granola bars, canned vegetables and fruit, beans .... you can't have enough beans... and any other non-perishable stagnant processed and in my words "dead foods". It pains me to have to ever eat too much from this cupboard in the event that the zombie apocalypse or a Y2K repeat (real this time) were to happen. For some reason I see soup (and other sales) and panic thinking this may be the last time we as humans are ever able to buy this stuff LOL so I better stock up! Yep... if you see the lady with a grocery checkout belt with 50 cans of soup on it, accompanied by coupons and disputing that some of the dented ones should be cheaper... that could be me!
This being said I have also come to realize the sacrafices you make as a parent for your children. I just recently treated myself (who am I kidding... bribed, pleaded and practically stole "our" money) to a hair cut and colour. It had been months and the struggle to find the time was real. But man... it's amazing what a new pair of socks and a fresh hair cut can do for the confidence! LOL (the socks were on sale hahahah!!!). My wardrobe is screaming "help me" as we speak from the sad looking black, black, grey, black, grey, navy blue, black, black ... weight conscious, "fluff" hiding, muffin top concealing closet of mine. And yet my children are dressed to the nines, have a shoe/boot and sandal for every degree of temperature a day could be. That is where I find happiness. Providing for my girls. I said to my husband yesterday morning that on this bridge to a paycheque, I've even run out of my expensive facial cleanser and am slowly joining the "reborn acne proned teenager" zone, along with having to use dollar store hair spray for those days I don't have to be out in public hahahah! And yet, I continue to make these sacrafices to be able to afford "princess edition" goldfish, cheese strings and an $80 "all the rage" lunch box so B can be ready for kindergarten in style.
Mom's, we should be paid for being moms! It's a tough job... and yet doing it for free is just as enjoyable :-) Oh poor pitiful me, right?... Wrong. I am truly blessed, and would go without a hair cut and colour for as long as my husband would let me LOL The sacrifices I make for my girls are out of love. But the one thing I wish someone would have told me (and people actually did, and I ignored)... don't spend so much money on a fancy crib, carseat accessories and pointless non functional baby shoes... there are better things in life to be spending money on.... like adorable floral spring jeans and $80 lunch boxes for kindergarten... hahahha!
The things we do for our kids :-)
I receive the odd private message from people in response to facebook, instagram or blog posts that praise me for my positivity. Today, I am coming clean. Turning myself in so to speak.
If there's one thing I do well, it's present myself as an optimist on the outside. What you (most) don't know is I am the definition of pessimist on the inside. In fact "poopy pants" and "Debbie downer" are nicknames my husband whips out once in a while. My coping mechanism is to make it seem alright, and to mask that with humour. It is something I am totally aware of and struggle with daily. Why can't I live my own mantra?
I struggle with daily frustrations and road blocks just like the rest of us, but choose to attempt to be the positive for someone (just not myself) with my uplifting and positive posts. If I lift a few people up... I'm doing what I intended. Lately I've been reading too many articles and news stories about mental illness and/or suicide. I truly believe if you surround yourself with people who post and preach those positive encouraging words, it will help at least bring a little light to a dark day. I have my entourage of people, I myself follow, for those uplifting messages.. and have done my best to remove anyone who poops on that parade of people. I also live with the very most positive person I have ever met, my husband. He keeps me grounded (I don't know how) and reminds me not to sweat the small stuff ... or big stuff on a daily basis. Without him.... well... I'd be
I'm a mom of 2 beautiful girls coming off maternity leave pennies. Yes I am grateful for the goverments grace of 1 whole year of "paid" maternity leave and the ability to raise my babies myself for that long... however... when all is said and done I COMMEND those who are able to do it without a significant and supportive other. People preach that money doesn't equal happiness.... but in my world, it equals emotional stability! The shift between the end of mat leave and the beginning of working life is like missing a bus on a deserted route. You've gotta sit at a standstill and wait forever for the next bus... or in this case the paycheque. In the meantime, you're left to call on that supportive significant other to help fill in the gap. This has proven to be "delightful" (see the attempt at optimism there!). Having to explain why I need name brand peanut butter, another sippy cup (I have a slight obsession) or why I paid an outrageous $1.79 PER avocado is exhausting! (in my defense it was because I needed them right away and the organic $$$ ones were ripe!... I got bonus PC points at least, but explaining that concept is not even worth it) I have had to space out the "diaper/wipe run" with the "grocery run" and then the "what I forgot run" to alleviate the total bill (avoid that "WHAT? You spent how much? ON WHAT? Where IS IT ALL?")... and yet having to go all those times and still even spend money is foreign and debate provoking enough that we have started to secretely survive on "the cupboard."
* "The Cupboard" - you know that pantry that is full of "on sale" soup, crackers, granola bars, canned vegetables and fruit, beans .... you can't have enough beans... and any other non-perishable stagnant processed and in my words "dead foods". It pains me to have to ever eat too much from this cupboard in the event that the zombie apocalypse or a Y2K repeat (real this time) were to happen. For some reason I see soup (and other sales) and panic thinking this may be the last time we as humans are ever able to buy this stuff LOL so I better stock up! Yep... if you see the lady with a grocery checkout belt with 50 cans of soup on it, accompanied by coupons and disputing that some of the dented ones should be cheaper... that could be me!
This being said I have also come to realize the sacrafices you make as a parent for your children. I just recently treated myself (who am I kidding... bribed, pleaded and practically stole "our" money) to a hair cut and colour. It had been months and the struggle to find the time was real. But man... it's amazing what a new pair of socks and a fresh hair cut can do for the confidence! LOL (the socks were on sale hahahah!!!). My wardrobe is screaming "help me" as we speak from the sad looking black, black, grey, black, grey, navy blue, black, black ... weight conscious, "fluff" hiding, muffin top concealing closet of mine. And yet my children are dressed to the nines, have a shoe/boot and sandal for every degree of temperature a day could be. That is where I find happiness. Providing for my girls. I said to my husband yesterday morning that on this bridge to a paycheque, I've even run out of my expensive facial cleanser and am slowly joining the "reborn acne proned teenager" zone, along with having to use dollar store hair spray for those days I don't have to be out in public hahahah! And yet, I continue to make these sacrafices to be able to afford "princess edition" goldfish, cheese strings and an $80 "all the rage" lunch box so B can be ready for kindergarten in style.
Mom's, we should be paid for being moms! It's a tough job... and yet doing it for free is just as enjoyable :-) Oh poor pitiful me, right?... Wrong. I am truly blessed, and would go without a hair cut and colour for as long as my husband would let me LOL The sacrifices I make for my girls are out of love. But the one thing I wish someone would have told me (and people actually did, and I ignored)... don't spend so much money on a fancy crib, carseat accessories and pointless non functional baby shoes... there are better things in life to be spending money on.... like adorable floral spring jeans and $80 lunch boxes for kindergarten... hahahha!
The things we do for our kids :-)
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